Dear Beloved,

I am writing to you as someone who has not personally lived through divorce - and I won’t pretend to know what it is like. I have had many other couples close to me, and in my family who have given me a front row seat to this part of their lives.

Divorce is a time of unprecedented anxiety. Lives are turned inside out and split at the seams. It is rarely anyone’s “Plan A.” You may think you know your spouse, but you may not recognize them now. Who are they now? What will they do next? How wary should you be? Most people enter divorce feeling hurt, abandoned, and wronged. And in a lot of cases, they’re right. One of the lessons I learned most, it is not my job to place blame. It is not my right to place shame or consider divorce a failure.

As a person on the outside, I am always thinking of how I could best support you. Many times, it is often well-meaning friends and family members who end up aggravating and poisoning the divorce process. I remember the emotions I felt watching my other loved ones going through a painful divorce. But I realized, that if I really wanted what was best for them, I was to encourage them to imagine a future beyond the current conflict.

I have always been accused of wearing my “rose colored glasses” when looking into situations. I do not want to appear flippant or dismissive of the pain of separation and divorce, and the pain families experience. I do believe though, that even in a far-less-than-ideal situation, the one thing we can choose is our perspective. The more we can focus on what’s next, the more we can see that this time is not our whole lives.

The sun will come out tomorrow, if we make space for it.

Best wishes for a bright future

My Dearest Friend,

I am sorry you are experiencing this pain.

You are love-able by so many.

You do not have to do this alone.

I am so impressed and inspired by your courage to choose and face a new and unknown hard.

I never know the right thing to say. Please forgive me and others who haven’t experienced divorce personally and may say the wrong thing but so badly want to be supportive.

You are not a failure!

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts” - Winston Churchill

Love,

Your Best Friend Forever

Dear Beautiful Soul,

This part is awful. It’s messy. It’s confusing. It’s awkward. It’s aggravating. It’s heartbreaking and it’s hard. Really, really hard. The kind of hard you didn’t know existed and are convinced will swallow you whole. In fact, disappearing into a void would be a welcomed breath of fresh air compared to this nightmare you’re living. You don’t know which way to turn because your life has been flipped completely upside down and and inside out.

Yes. And…..

Yes this is horrific AND you will painfully and humbly learn how to find and lean into the ones that want to pour into you. For it’s through your deepest and darkest valleys that they will show up for you and with you.

Yes. And…

Yes this is terrible AND you will find strength you didn’t know you had. Which in itself is beyond annoying because you didn’t want to know this kind of strength. You didn’t ask for this. You did not plan on ending your marriage you sincerely vowed to uphold. This wasn’t supposed to be an option. Circumstances out of your control forced you to choose this choice and this is not the way it was supposed to be.

Yes. And…

Yes you are exhausted in every sense of the word; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically to the point of crying all alone on the bathroom floor AND will do it all over again tomorrow because you know that every.single.decision you have to make in these next months are necessary for preparing, molding and shaping you for a new life that - while you hadn’t planned for - is one that will transform you into the wonderful being you were created to become.

Yes. And…

Yes this is not how you intended your life AND this is not the end. It is a beautiful disaster of being able to bloom.

Sincerely,

You

My Beautiful Child,

Separation and the journey of divorce can be so very hard; unimaginable heartbreak. While I have not gone through divorce personally, two of my other kids have been through this valley.

First - find a core circle of parents, friends and a counselor who will give you loving support and tools to cope with your journey. People you can trust. Do NOT walk this journey alone.

Find a Bible believing church that has a ministry/support group for those going through a divorce.

Take care of yourself, however that may look. If you don’t take care of you, you can’t be of much help to your own kids.

There are times in our lives when we don’t understand all the “Why’s” but God knows the overall picture. He knows the heartbreak you’re experiencing in your brokenness.

Psalm 34:18 the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirits.

Walking in faith can be difficult when you’re hurting. Take one day at a time. Start each day with “Jesus, please carry me today.” He promises He will.

All my love,

Mom

My Dear Sister,

I can’t tell you how much my heart is aching for you. Regardless of the circumstances that have brought you to this place, no one’s fairy tale is to get married so they can rip their lives and the lives of their children in half and live “crappily every after.” I hate this for you. I hate this with you. I want so desperately to swoop in with a hero’s cape and obliterate the darkness, but I am having to learn that is not my job. Only One can do that, and He is much more capable than I. He doesn’t even need a cape! His royal robe has enveloped death and destruction forever. My earnest, desperate prayer for you is that you would collapse into the embrace Jesus is offering you. I beg God that your stiff arm would buckle at the elbow, and your face would fall helplessly into His chest.

I beg you, do not heap the shame of others’ opinions of divorce upon yourself. This is a mess, Sister. I don’t need to tell you that. I have absolutely no idea how to move forward in a way that honors God, you, and your family most days. I struggle to know what to say more often than I feel the power of confident wisdom. And some days I have to pray God would take the rage away from my fists so that I don’t beat the living daylights out of someone who has been so heartless and careless toward you. But I am here. I am still praying. I still love you. I am still trying to understand how best to support you. And I still want, more than I can articulate, for you to be filled with love, hope, peace, forgiveness, and joy God has toward you. The sum of who we are is not derived from our worst decisions or our lowest circumstances in life. You are a royal child of the King of the World! Remember that. I love you. We will get through this. Just take the next best step. God will light the next one when we need it. I promise.

With Lots of Love,

Your Brother