Find a Lawyer

You Chose a Lawyer, Now What?

~ What is the cost of their Consultation appointment?

~ What is the cost of their Retainer Fee?

~ What is their hourly rate?

~ Do they offer payment arrangements?

~ How will they communicate with you?

~ If kids are involved, know that PARENTING TIME and CUSTODY are two separate issues.

~ If kids are involved, can either part move out of the shared residence with the children?

~ If kids are involved, ask about child support.

~ Ask for the definition and explanation of joint vs. sole custody. What are the pros/cons of each?

~ How long will this divorce process take?

~ Ask about spousal support, if applicable.

~ Should you open your own bank account?

~ What about your health insurance? Your kid(s)’ health insurance?

~ What about bank accounts, debts, homeownership, assets, loans, retirement accounts, vehicles, etc.

~ Will anything in the divorce decree change should one of the parties remarry in the future?

~ Do you need to get temporary orders in place? If harassment is involved, the goal is to minimize the ability of the aggressor to harass you during this divorce process.

~ What’s the allotted response time to a request received from either party? What form of communication is permitted?

~ If there is a home for sale, who will pack and move everything?

~ Make a list of ALL personal items you own. Go room by room and label who gets what.

~ During this process, can either party move out of state?

~ What happens to the finances during this time?

~ Is mediation a possibility?

~ How does your income affect child/spousal support?

Prepare For Your Consultation By Compiling A List Of Your Questions

REMEMBER:

THEIR TIME IS YOUR MONEY

~ You will be making countless, overwhelming decisions. Just tackle them one at a time - no matter how big or small.

~ Do not make decisions based on your emotions. Seek wise counsel. Step outside yourself. Take off the lens of hurt anger, annoyance (insert emotion here) so you can logically think it through.

~ Keep a journal. Your future self will thank you.

~ This is YOUR divorce; YOU are the one going through it. Know what you want and what you’re willing to fight for - and possibly lose - because spoiler alert, you will not “win" every battle.

~ This phase will not last forever.

Other Tips & Suggestions

Are You In A Toxic Or Abusive Situation?

Discussing an escape plan with your lawyer and doing research and paperwork BEFORE having any conversations with the other person could be extremely beneficial to your near future.

You know you want a divorce but you still have to live with them once this ball starts rolling which can make this “in-between” phase the most tricky and when you have to be the most strategic.

Here are some things to consider:

~ Choose somewhere other than your current residence where documents can be mailed.

~ If possible, remove all weapons from the residence.

~ Have a home where you can go to that they would not know to find you.

~ Tell a trusted neighbor your situation. Sleep with your keys by your bed so you can push your car alarm and if the neighbor hears that alarm, they are to call 911 and come over.

~ Keep an overnight bag in your trunk; clothes, shoes, cash, hat, passport…etc.

~ If you haven’t already started, document everything and keep all text messages, voicemails, and correspondence.

~ If possible, slowly take valuables (pictures, keepsakes…etc) to a trusted family/friend, only keeping sentimental items.

~ Open a new email account.

~ Change ALL of your passwords.

~ Have a code word or phrase with a trusted family/friend that when said, they will call 911 and come over.

~ Sleep behind a locked door. If they question it, tell him you feel safe that way. If they keep pestering you, keep repeating yourself.

WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOU WANT A DIVORCE:

This is your turning point. There is no going back once you have this conversation. Your mindset, how you speak to them, how you think and what you do, HAS to pivot to protect yourself (and your kids). You will not be controlled or manipulated anymore which means their attempt to control and manipulate will be magnified ten-fold. Their anger will be increased like never before. You are no longer an “us” you are a “you” so act accordingly.

~ Do not tell them alone. Have at least one other person with you and tell them during their best time of the day - you know them and you know when that is.

~ You are no longer asking, you are making statements. Keep them short, simple and fact-based:

  • I am divorcing you

  • This is happening

  • I will not do…..

  • I will do……

  • I do not feel that way

  • No

~ You will feel like a broken record but keep repeating yourself. They no longer have power over you. They cannot ware you down or change your mind or talk you out of this. You are now doing what YOU need to do.

~ If/when you have to speak with them remember the JADE technique:

  • Do not JUSTIFY

  • Do not ARGUE

  • Do not DEFEND

  • Do not EXPLAIN

~ If you are in a state of anxiety, name:

  • 5 things you can see

  • 4 things you can touch

  • 3 things you can hear

  • 2 things you can smell

  • 1 thing you can taste

~ Once this conversation has been had, NEVER be alone with them again. EVER.

~ Once this conversation has been had, you do not have to respond to their calls or texts. That’s what your lawyer is for.

~ Expect to lose family and friends. It is not your responsibility to explain, defend yourself or try to make them understand. Your true loved ones will love and support you and those are who you choose to surround yourself with.

~ Let others help you. It’s hard, but let them.

Creating a Parenting Plan

Consult With Your Lawyer If You Need A Parenting Plan

Do you need to consider these things?

~ Plan for ALL holiday schedules: Kids’ birthdays, Both parties’ birthdays, Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, Any and all kids’ school breaks & days off.

~ How will the parties communicate?

~ What is the acceptable response time to a request/comment?

~ Who will provide the kids’ health, dental, car insurance?

~ At what age can the kids be home alone?

~ At what age can the kids have cell phones? Who will provide and pay for the phone? Who will provide and pay their monthly costs?

~ At what age can the kids get piercings?

~ Who will purchase the kids’ first cars?

~ Who will have possession of the kids’ birth certificates, Social Security cards and passports?

~ Who will claim the kids on their taxes?

~ Who will be responsible for scheduling the kids’ haircuts? Who will pay for the haircuts?

~ Who will be responsible for registering the kids for school? For sports? For extra curricular activities?

~ Will parenting time be different in the Summer vs. the school year? Who will plan for those schedules and how far in advance?

~ Who will be responsible for childcare on non-school days? Who will pay for it?

~ Who will be responsible for the kids’ birthday parties? Will they be celebrated separately, together?

~ Will anything in the divorce decree or parenting plan change should either party marry in the future?

~ Who will be responsible for scheduling the kids’ doctor, dentist, eye, sports games, extra curricular activities and appointments? Will that designated parent then be responsible for informing the other parent?

~ Do you want to know in advance who will be supervising the kids, if it’s not you? And vice versa?

~ Consider neutral, designated drop off/pick up sites and times in detail.

~ What’s the plan if/when the kids are sick?

~ Who will be responsible for medical, dental, clothes, shoes, etc costs?

~ Who will be responsible for paying for replacement socks, undies, etc when they go missing?

~ Who will pay for sports, music, drama, extra curricular activity costs?

~ How will the division of the kids’ personal items be distributed? (Furniture, clothes, toys, blankets, etc)

~ Plans and events will be scheduled and arranged between the two parties ONLY and will not involve the kids from now until they are 18 years old.

~ Do not make arrangements/plans with the kids and NOT the other party.

~ At events when both parties are in attendance, will you sit next to each other?

~ If one party gives up time with the kids, is it time lost or can it be made up at a later date?

~ Do you want either party to be at your family’s events?

~ If Parent A asks for time from Parent B, it will be asked within (x) amount of days. If Parent B declines that is the final decision. Parent A cannot argue or disagree with Parent B about that decision.

~ Both parties will always make an effort to adjust their time and schedules to allow the kids to be with their extended family/friends for gatherings, vacations, etc.

~ Both parties cannot move the kids (x) amount of miles away from (city).

~ If traveling more than (x) miles with the kids, the parent will inform the other parent of the destination, time of arrival and time & date of return.

~ Kids may communicate with either party any time when they are with the other party.

~ Both parties will inform each other of an address change within (x) amount of days notice.

~ The only communication between the two parties will be kept strictly in regards to the kids. No other topics will be discussed.

~ Keep the kids at the forefront of ALL of your decisions; WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM?

~ Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

~ When the time is appropriate, set up a second bank account for child support/spousal support to be direct deposited.

~ You will get a lot of unsolicited advice but this is YOUR divorce and YOU know what is best for your kids.

~ When deciding on the days/times of your parenting schedule, take into consideration of when the majority of non-school days are in your district.

Other Tips & Suggestions

While co-parenting may lessen the time you spend with your kids,

it will never, ever lessen your love or bond!